a room to bloom
I'm gonna be honest—I'm going through it. Imagine feeling every emotion in a single day. That’s where I’m at. It's all hitting at once.
I’m someone who wears my heart on my sleeve. You’ll know when I’m happy. You’ll see when I’m sad. I don’t hide it well.
My boss messages me: “You didn’t seem like yourself today. Just wanted to check that you're okay.”
I want to scream, I’m not. I feel so isolated. Confused. Unsure of how to show up as myself. The messages I receive are mixed. I’m encouraged to be open, but punished when I am. I’m not part of the clique. I’m surrounded by contradiction and quiet exclusion while simply trying to get through my days.
I feel like an outsider. When I need help, I don’t know who I can trust. I don’t know who’s in my corner.
*
Lately, I keep thinking about Elle Woods. Cute, smart, ambitious. Misunderstood by everyone around her. Treated like a joke for being herself.
But she never stops being herself. And that’s what helps her win, not because she changes to fit in, but because she doesn’t. Her perspective, her heart, her style — those are the things that set her apart and help her succeed.
Imagine if she had shrunk herself to fit in with the rest of the class. Imagine if she gave up.
And yet here I am, filtering myself. Holding back. Dimming down. Because when I don’t, it’s perceived as “too much” or “not serious” or something else I can’t quite name. Is it jealousy? Insecurity? Do I just not seem capable to them?
I don’t know. But I do know I need to cry. I can’t hold it in anymore.
I’m sad. I’m lonely. Just trying to find some peace on this island I’ve landed on.
*
These themes feel familiar—eerily similar to the ones that surrounded me before everything shut down in 2020. That same ache of being in a community where I wasn’t allowed to fully thrive. Where being myself felt like a liability.
In truth, I think I’ve always related more to Britney’s “Lucky” than to Elle Woods. The girl who appears to have it all but feels empty, misunderstood, and unseen underneath it all.
Maybe it’s my Chiron in the fifth house1. Maybe it’s just me. I struggle with rejection. I want to express myself fully and freely, but I hold myself back. I shrink. I silence. I fear being too much.
But maybe the truth is — I’m not too much.
I’m just in the wrong room.
*
Now I’m learning how to make the room I’m in my home. One that’s safe. Where I can shine and be free. With windows to let the light out.
A room to bloom. That’s what I’ll call the place in my mind. Where I will allow myself to heal. It'll be playful, full of colour and light. A space for creative expression. A space for joy.
It will have spots for others, too. A blossoming community. People who want to be themselves. To be free.
I’m finally learning how to create the life I have been desperately needing. I get disheartened by how long it is taking. Having to learn how to balance my own needs, caring for myself in a self reliant way, while also cultivating community.
Even if circumstances keep me from feeling good enough, my worth doesn’t change based on situations.
I’m learning how to be boldly myself, just like Elle, with a confidence that doesn’t bring others down.
If I never leave a legacy, my hope is that I at least live to be the truest version of myself.
In astrology, “nonsense,” Chiron represents the "wounded healer". It shows your core wound and how healing it can help others. I have Chiron in Virgo in the Fifth House…. It blends themes of creativity, self-expression, and play (fifth house) with themes of perfectionism, service, and self-criticism (Virgo). This placement often belongs to people who appear confident or put-together on the outside, but struggle with deep self-doubt inside, especially when it comes to being playful, vulnerable, or seen.