am I stranded on an island?

or have I landed in paradise

Reflecting on this year, it's a little crazy.

I kept so much in. Secrets I didn't tell even my closest friends.

I truly felt alone. 

I had to do it alone. 

I have always felt like I didn't ever truly fit in. Maybe I do it to myself. The way we think is the way we interact with the world. I'm certain now my own limitations with friendships have come from within. My fears. Even though I had a strong desire to be with people at all times from a young age, I kept people close to me at a distance.

I think of the Bridesmaid scene where Megan accuses Annie of having a pity party. When Megan starts to tell her about how she was bullied in high school. How she didn't have friends. She didn't get down on herself, she just focused on studying and made something out of her loneliness. When I first saw that scene, I remember thinking I wish I could have been like Megan. I wish I had the drive. I was always more like Annie. I gave up on myself. My dreams. I let my emotions weigh me down. I would let myself be miserable in my loneliness over losing a friend rather than investing in myself. 

I let myself get into that place this year.

I let the loss of relationships bring me into a place of isolation. I wanted to seek solace in the comfort of others. I wanted to fill the loss. Naturally, we need people in our lives. We need friendship and community. But what I wanted was an escape. I didn't want to sit in the pain I had felt. I was back in that place I was ten years ago when I first watched the film Bridesmaids. 

I hadn't changed. 

I didn't have Megan to beat me up on a couch. To snap me out of my spell. If I had, I would have never realized how important it is for me to be alone. 

To be clear, I still dislike being alone. Especially now, living on my own. Alone time when other people live with you feels different. There's a comfort in knowing that someone is in the room down the hall. 

I have had to learn the only way to deal with loneliness is to confront being alone. To learn about the fears I have. Why being alone became such a deep rooted fear. I never realized it until I had to live it.

At the same time -- and with the complexity of human nature -- I put myself in situations where I created isolation. 

So I became a contradiction. A person afraid of being alone who also isolated themselves. Reliant on others to keep my fears at bay but then I pushed those close to me away. 

I manifested my loneliness. That's why I have to learn to get out of it alone. To utilize this time to create goals for myself. To finally start those projects I have put aside. 

I had to change my mindset to view time alone as a blessing. Though I am validated in my loneliness, that extra time spent with friends would be valued, I am at an advantage being alone.

I'm on an island. I can view it as either being stranded or as paradise.