tears and fears; my twenties summed up

turning thirty has me sentimental, so here's some sap ;)

It's the eve before my thirtieth birthday. I've just returned from Cuba and am sitting in bed with a cup of tea, listening to covers on YouTube.

I'm thinking about the past ten years. I feel sad and happy at the same time.

Reflecting on a decade of memories comes with various memories and emotions.

I began my twenties in England. Seasonal depression finally made sense to me. When the skies are gray and cloudy, all you feel is bland.

Even after leaving England, those first years of my twenties were a blur. Naivety and anxiety were the highlights.

Summoned up by this: searching for love, unsure what it meant and how to get it.

Then, Twenty-five was a turning point.

I had many amazing friendships at that point, but the looming anxiety of time creeping up hit me heavily.

I was so disappointed in where I was in life. Too consumed with self-doubt to realize what they say is true — we all have our own timelines for how things will work out.

I was more intentional after that birthday. Pursuing what I wanted out of my life.

In my late twenties, I finally graduated from university after struggling to find a place in the chaos of post-secondary education.

I left the church after years of seeking solace in a place and people that left me little self-confidence and immense self-doubt. What at first felt like a decision I was pushed towards, I'm now thankful it happened. I wouldn't have had the courage to leave the place I was seeking the most acceptance from regarding my self-worth.

I endured a global pandemic. Time slowed down, and I remembered parts of myself that I lost in the busyness of moving forward.

I made up for the time I lost at twenty-one — too afraid to take risks then now meant making many. I made many mistakes so I could learn to grow.

I started twenty-nine from a place of love and forgiveness. To be brave and fight for myself. It was a golden year by every definition.

The best lesson I got out of my twenties is this:

Whatever has happened in the past cannot be changed. We shouldn't waste time wishing things had turned out differently. We shouldn't fear for the future. A year is not summed up in a day, and a decade is not in a year.

Life is hard. I spent almost two decades consumed by fear and rejection. I could view it as time wasted because I sat on the sidelines for many years. I could think of all I missed out on because of all the risks I was too scared to take. Now, I choose to believe all the hardships made me stronger. They make us all stronger.

Life will take us down many different paths, and we must trust we will end up where we should be.