signs and synchronicities

when actions are the loudest sign, trust them

I wrote this previously for the writing workshop I did hosted by

Emily Mais

. I’ve reworked it a bit for this series, but I’m thankful for her guidance to help me get this piece into existence. <3

*

I've always had trouble looking for signs.

I know they're out there, yet I never seem to notice them. Maybe because I’m too distracted, I let them pass me by.

As the year was ending, I had to decide if my situationship should end with it. Afraid to admit it, but it was difficult for me to figure out. I always struggle to make decisions. Now that I was faced with this one, I worried I'd make a decision I'd regret.

Then the sign came to me.

It wasn't what I expected. I had wanted something more magical. A sign that would come through angel numbers. Or a friend making a comment they didn't think would mean anything but would have a significant impact. A sign that would bring me peace.

I was looking to the universe for something mystical when the sign was in front of me the whole time.

He hadn't texted me in days.

What else did I need to know than what I already knew from the space he created? I could look to the stars or the cards, but the answer was right in front of me. I wasn't important to him anymore.

Eventually, he did text me.

My friends told me to ignore him when he finally reached out. It was a message with no substance. Initially, I did. Then, despite my pride, I caved after a few days. "How are you? We haven't really talked in the past week."

"Yeah, I've been busy at work.” He told me. My manager quit and is moving to Florida. He asked me to go work with him there."

He was always saying he was going to leave eventually. Unhappy living in Toronto — though I think the unhappiness has nothing to do with this city.

I didn't have anything else to say. He never told me more about the situation. He didn't ask to make plans. He just left me hanging with those words.

I was left angry. Angry because I know I deserve better. Angry that he didn't have more to tell me, no apology. Angry, this is how it could end after all the time we spent together. That we might never speak again.

I fought the urge to call him and ask for more information. To know what's going on in his life. Then I remember the days he didn't reach out to me. He wasn't thinking of me. He didn't care what I was up to.

Then he reached out to me again, "I know I've been horrible lately."

But no apology. More excuses.

*

I genuinely believe signs are everywhere, even if we're too busy to notice them. If we stop for a moment, our answers will come.

I wanted something supernatural. Something dark and ominous if the sign was to leave. Like a clash of thunder as I received the first message after those silent days.

If you had asked me three months ago, I would say the signs were in the numbers. Meeting on the thirteenth. A lucky omen. Our birthdays both being two and nine. The number eleven. Something outside of ourselves was pushing us together for whatever reason.

Maybe those were signs at the time. We were meant to meet for a reason.

But what I’ve learned through all of this is that the most evident signs are the actions we choose to gloss over. Usually, the answer is right in front of us, and we pretend we don't see it because it's not supernatural or mystical. Too scared to trust ourselves, trying to grasp for anything that will take accountability out of the equation.

When I asked myself how I'd know when it was over, I got the confirmation. Silence was the sign.

It's a new year. Now is the time for a new beginning. To trust myself and know that what I feel deep in my heart is the clearest sign I can receive.