loneliness; a too familiar friend of mine

my oldest and fondest friend, it’s time to part

Life changed after Covid.

I thought I was lonely before, but I've experienced a loneliness beyond crushing boredom. 

*

Yesterday, a coworker told me how content he is with the social aspect at work. It's enough to keep him content because he has few friends. He's happy that way. He has his girlfriend and his pets, and he gets to go home after work and do his hobbies. 

I love my hobbies and my time to work on my crafts and projects. But for me, it's never enough.

I thought for a while it was because I was unhappy with myself. Unable to be content alone because I did not appreciate my own company. Then, I moved out and started to live on my own. I get so much enjoyment from being on my own. And still, I feel a guttural sadness. It hits deep within me at unexpected times. Like a crashing wave pulling me under its current, I struggle to reach for air again. 

*

Loneliness is something I've known since I was very young. It allowed me to wander the depths of my mind, create new spaces, and develop an imagination. 

As I get older, it becomes harder to understand. I've become more introspective and taken therapy, but I remain lonely. 

*

I think of the times in high school when I cried knowing I was so unhappy with my life, wanting change. I would watch Friday Night Lights almost religiously. It was my respite from loneliness. There was one quote that stayed with me.

"You're changing Jason, and it's so real. We're never going to last because I'm not changing with you." 

I felt like I couldn't keep up with my friends. Changing in different ways. It only got worse as I got older. 

I've watched my friends graduate, get engaged, get married. Yet, my life feels at a standstill. I haven't changed alongside them. I made new friends, and when they changed, I stayed. 

As much as I've grown over the years, I stay paralyzed. All my growth is overshadowed by the cloud of loneliness that has never been able to leave me. I'm like a lost boy but without the guidance of Peter Pan.

*

Maybe I'm not meant to fit into the traditional narrative. Maybe my dissatisfaction is intended to push me forward. Maybe that's the reason I can't change.

I tried to follow the traditional path, feeling like I was doing everything "right" back in 2020. Then life changed. All the stability I thought I had crumbled underneath me. I felt lost. 

As life opened back up, I didn't feel any less lost. I am still lost, uncertain about where life is meant to take me. 

And maybe that's the point. In all my loneliness, it is a push to live freely. To not follow a traditional path. To create my own narrative. To use my imagination. To overcome sadness with a life that is all of my own. To find my own Neverland. 

I could be wrong, but I’ll never know unless I try to fly.