I am on a lonely road and I am travelling, travelling, travelling.

Looking for something, what can it be?

Yesterday was Blue Monday. It is considered the saddest day of the year. But what if all your Mondays are blue?

*

"It seems that you're struggling with high-functioning depression," My therapist tells me. I feel like I'm having my own Tony Soprano moment. "It's been a few months, and it seems like the only time that we've talked about you being excited was when you went to Portugal."

I thought about what she said. It had been a few weeks since I had just returned from a trip to Italy. I went to Portugal at least two months before that. Then I remembered August and the beginning of September.

*

I felt overwhelmed. The summer was passing by, and I was exhausted. I had been planning my solo trip to Italy. I wasn't excited to go. I started my trip to Portugal alone and had already experienced travelling alone. Why was I feeling like this? I had no excitement within me.

Then my nonna got into an accident. A few days before, I was supposed to fly. When we visited her in the hospital, I saw her in a way you never want to see a grandparent. She was a shell of herself. Bruised and bloody. Staples in her head. I started to feel guilty. How could I enjoy myself when I should have been with her? What if something happened while I was away?

Everyone told me to go, even with my anxieties. I thought this would shake me awake. Give me some new excitement again.

Flash forward to me sitting alone in the corner of a restaurant in Florence. I ordered a glass of wine and gnocchi. On the outside, the image could easily be romanticized. Here I was; I had put on a cute outfit for this dinner after a full day exploring Florence — a Canadian girl, taking risks and travelling alone. Yet I felt so lonely. I wanted to escape in the flavour of the gnocchi. To drown my emotions in the dry acidity of the wine I drank. But I wasn't able to stop the feeling. I started to cry. I felt confused. How could I be in this place, eating some of the best food in such a beautiful city, crying?

I thought of the girl from Mexico I met on a tour in Montalcino. She was travelling alone as well. She felt like the polar opposite of me. She found everything exciting. She took photos of herself smiling. Made videos. She was full of life. I didn't know why I couldn't be like that, too. I tried so hard to find that joie de vivre

*

I did enjoy myself on that trip in the end. But when I got home, the tears started again. I had temporarily moved back in with my parents. My mother would see me try to hide tears and didn't get why I was upset. I couldn't say either. I was about to move into a new place. I had things to look forward to. But I felt numb. I had no motivation to care.

October came and went, and then November—two more months that felt like going through the motions. Looking back, I can't think of anything that made me feel alive during those times. I knew I would have to keep going, even though I didn't want to. I felt let down by the people around me and by myself.

It was like I was fighting a fight with no end. I knew there was no guarantee any of it would get easier. It was working towards a goal that was always just out of reach.

My existence is limited to what my thoughts are. I had to adjust them.

But I knew there was no guarantee that things would ever truly change. I may never get to a point where I do not stress about money and won't feel disappointed by the people around me. Where I will feel accomplished in my career.

I have to accept how my circumstances are now. If this is the best, I am thankful it is not worse.

It's learning to aim for more while making the most of current circumstances, turning small moments into big wins. It may be another year of blue Mondays, which is okay. It means we endured another year, and that is a win in itself.