We finally had the conversation. Where is this going?
"I like you, but I'm not ready for a serious relationship." He brings up his ex and how he's scared.
My fears started to take over. Somewhere along the way, I put on rose-coloured lenses. I wanted the way things were in August to continue, but summer was over.
I knew this was going to have an expiration date. It wouldn't be happily ever after, but I kept holding on to some form of hope.
*
After that night, I kept going back and forth with myself. When do I end this? How long do I wait? Even knowing it would end, I held on. Now I'm thinking back on why.
My friends told me he'd come around and ask me to be his girlfriend. He was thinking far ahead, which was a good sign. Now I know he was just selfish. He wanted comfort without the commitment—to have his cake and eat it, too.
I didn't close myself off to other options. I let him know that, too, telling him when other guys were a little too eager to talk to me. I hinted that I still had options when he only had me.
I kept letting him hold me back.
He probably liked having that power over me that I kept choosing him even when I didn't need to.
That toxicity. It pushed us through two whole months.
It was part of the problem. I wanted to keep him close, and he got to keep me closed off.
*
The worst part? I could have fallen in love with him.
I never opened my heart to him completely, but there were moments when it softened.
The time I tried to teach him to blow a bubble with his gum. Laughing at how stupid we looked.
When the little girl in the restaurant was mesmerized with him. Blowing her kisses and watching her toothless grin take over her whole face.
He told me he's a bad person. He's not. It's a deflection.
That's when the anxiety really came in. I focused on only those fun moments, the way we laughed together. The inside jokes we had.
The number one question in my mind, what if I never experience these good parts again?
*
Isn't that always how it goes? Fixating what we know instead of letting new possibilities happen. I let fear dictate my immediate thoughts. It's a bad habit.
I don't regret holding on. It's like the way things ended was karmic timing. It was an emotional release and an awakening to future experiences. Ending this one relationship didn't mean they would all end.
I was blind to that at that moment, but we usually are.
*
Holding on, I let myself forget what it was like to be on my own. I forgot the feeling of love that comes from caring for yourself, the sense of peace in knowing that you have everything you need inside yourself.
I love my mornings alone, making myself coffee and getting back in bed to read emails. I've been working out more because I have more free time, I actually end up going to the gym. I get to watch the Real Housewives without judgment.
With this ending began a new beginning. I care for myself in a way that I've never done before. Even if I never have someone else come into my life again, I am okay alone.