do we miss them?

or do we miss the feeling of being with them?

How do we know if we miss the person or the feeling of being with them?

Do we really just miss summer?

Maybe it's all of it. Though I think we mostly miss the sun. We miss the hope that comes with more hours of daylight. The feeling of freedom when you're not weighed down by heavy coats and winter gear. The way the sun embraces your skin and how our paths are illuminated by its golden hues.

*

The best time to break up is in the winter. You get to genuinely be in your heartbreak. To clasp onto the dark nights and melancholy that come. You don't have to feel guilty for being in bed early, for wanting to seek solace. Crying in the quiet of the night without anyone to witness.

During winter, nature affirms our sadness. You can sleep longer because the days are shorter. You can retreat inside because it's too cold to be out. The dark, chilly evenings mirror our emotions. It's why we feel like we miss them. We don't. It's just part of the healing process to let ourselves mourn what we thought they were or what the relationship could have been.

You get your first day of sunshine, and you feel the life come back into your body. The possibility of new beginnings. The consistency of having warm sunny days allows you to not slip back into the nostalgia. You want to move forward. You realize very clearly how ready you are for a new opportunity. Or maybe five.

We think we miss them until we're reignited with the beginning stages of meeting someone new. How magical it feels in those moments. The giddiness that comes with flirting. The back-and-forth texts until late in the night.

*

If I ask myself now if I miss him, the answer is yes. I miss our inside jokes and being able to go to him with all the gossip I have from work. I miss his stupid laugh. The way he would mispronounce words.

I miss him most when it's dark out. Not when the sun is shining.

I miss him when I'm without plans on a Friday night. Not when I'm out with friends.

This is a reminder for me that it's okay to begin again. Even if I miss him, I miss how I feel when I'm not alone more.

And that feeling will come again.

After the hibernation. After the healing. After the winter.

Spring comes to bring new life. Plants begin to bloom, and flowers begin to blossom. We let ourselves invite new people into our lives. We stop missing them. Summer starts, and it's easy to forget they existed.

The feeling comes back. We realize that a person can be replaced.